just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
not ubering you a puppy
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
