Im at strip club and am horny
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
now i know why i became what i already was.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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