you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
