He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Houston, we have a blender
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize