I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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