I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
