I haven't been this sober since birth.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
