Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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