he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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