I hate your face
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
