you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
