Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
