Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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