my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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