I wish I only lived at night.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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