I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
