I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize