you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
