So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
