I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
