Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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