i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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