dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
