I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
