I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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