apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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