Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
