She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
