I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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