I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
