Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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