ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
