Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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