in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
