Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
