Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
