so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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