we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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