Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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