can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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