Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
So squirting runs in the family.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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