____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Randomize
