If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
foreskin is a definite game changer
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize