im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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