So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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