If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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