I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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