i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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