I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
