i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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