It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
