I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize