i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You don't make any sense
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