please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
