I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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