quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
