i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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