end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm passing your future prison.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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