i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
