just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
These tits shall not be calmed
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
