i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
