my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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