this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
