I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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