thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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