my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
