My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
