so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
