The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
