I seem to have left my pride at pride
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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